The American Poop Movie (2006)

Holy Crap
The American Poop Movie, 2006

This horrible 90 minutes of my life was originally titled, The Connecticut Poop Movie. So for that, I’m glad I watched it. After all, when it comes to movies filmed in Connecticut that are also set in Connecticut – and are filled with Connecticut references… there aren’t too many movies that beat out The American Poop Movie.

Unfortunately, not only is this movie one of the worst titled films in history, The American Poop Movie is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. The plot, the dialogue, the acting… the misogyny, the scatological “humor,” the stupidity, the offensiveness… just stultifying. Embarrassing. Icky.

It is billed as a comedy, but I only laughed once – and that was only because they called accounting/consulting firm Deloitte and Touche “Deloitte and Douche” which is what I’ve been calling them in my own head for 25 years – although I’ve no reason to badmouth the firm. It’s just what I hear in my head. Sue me.

And if I’m sued, I’m going to sue Joe Kingsley.

Who’s Joe Kingsley? The writer and director of this dreck. (No one associated with this movie has gone on to a career in film.)

I do have a question for Mr. Kingsley though. A very serious question. Poop Movie was a low budget effort of course and involved many friends and family actors, staff, and extras. Fine. But throughout the movie, someone – and I’m attaching Kingsley’s name to this – convinced at least half a dozen young women to go topless.

There are several scenes with lots of boobs. Now, that’s pretty typical for a 2006 “college party humor” flick, but surely there were questions here. Like, the movie was called Connecticut Poop Movie originally. It was filmed largely in East Granby, Windsor Locks, and Simsbury. The writing was awful. When there were pauses in dialogue, they’d insert a fart noise for no discernible reason.

And yet… and yet the director (or someone) convinced several young women that it would be prudent to flounce their boobies about. I’m fascinated by this.

It’s not like they had extra money lying around to pay for that. Maybe they were strippers and not really friends of the production. Yeah, that’s the only thing I can think of. (A couple of the young women looked to have had not-the-best silicone enhanced boobs – that tight, hard looking kind. So maybe that’s the best explanation.)

The plot? Some kid named Russ graduated “Connecticut University” after his show’s popular run on campus cable access. It was a prurient Jackass type show called I Did Your Mother. Good stuff.

His communications degree and short-sighted cable hijinks resulted in unemployment and general failure. He had his three friends; two idiots named Dirk and Moron, and a generally okay guy named Copeck. (Copeck has a sex-crazed girlfriend named Mally who is dunked on repeatedly because she apparently has a thing for “well endowned huge black guys.” This is a running “joke.”).

Russ and Dirk take jobs as janitors at the high school from which they get fired in mere hours after Dirk defecates on a desk for some reason. We viewers get to see this happen.

Russ still has a crush on a girl from high school named Tara. Tara is actually pretty and can act a little bit. He needs a job if he’s to have any shot with Tara, so he takes one with an airport parking gig.

Russ came recommended by some old guy named “Mr. G” who is a retiree with a penchant for teenage girls. Mr. G. loves mentioning Tara’s body and suggests multiple times that Russ is a “fag” for not hooking up with her. At the car park, Russ must clear the toilet filled with massive amounts of feces a few times. We get to see this in full color. What a delight.

The boys wind up at high school party at “the overlook,” which is in East Granby:

It’s near Hatchett Hill and here’s my picture of the spot, followed by a wholesome picture of my darling son there. It’s like a palate cleanser for this page.

The party is a chance for Dirk to regale us with his pedophile fantasies. They guy is like 22 (and looks 28) and simply wants to hook up with a high schooler. He asks some girl he’s making out with if she’s 18 and upon hearing “not even close,” he continues to make out with her. Then he farts and says, “God, I just farted.” Then they continue making out. Hilarious.

Russ runs into Tara, they have a heart to heart. Nothing happens, but he does get a date with her.

A date at Blue Fox Rock and Bowl in Simsbury. That place is now closed and I blame this movie. They also go to a New Britain Rock Cats game; a minor league baseball franchise that is no more. I blame this movie for that as well.

By the way, if you’re unfamiliar with “the shocker” move in the bedroom, this movie will make it very clear what it is. They also call each other “retard” a lot, which in 2006 I can forgive a bit I guess. It’s just a little shocking to hear now… shocking, not “the shocker,” as that’s an entirely different thing.

Tara is also dating the local jerk and is spotted at Geissler’s (your hometown store!). The boys get arrested at a Conn U party after Russ goes on a drunken bender which was a result of being despondent over losing Tara to the jerk guy.

While in the jail cell, Dirk urinates in Moron’s mouth. Hey man, you didn’t watch this, I did… you only have to read about it.

They go golfing at Blue Fox Run in Avon – how that course let these fools film here and wreck carts is beyond me. Russ tells a story about pooping his pants for absolutely no reason.

There’s some blackmail with the Mitch guy and a job at a local TV station – filmed at Connecticut School for Broadcasting in Farmington which, again, did they have any idea what they were allowing on their property?

Then Russ brings Tara some champagne (the bottle’s label changes twice during a scene) and they have a lovely evening in the hot tub before she moves to Boston for grad school. She invites Russ to come with her, but he’s not really feeling that.

Russ gets back at Mitch after he finds video of him engaging in beastiality with a local donkey. This isn’t shown of course, but it’s not subtle either. More farting.

Then Russ packs his car with the intent of just getting out of East Granby. The movie ends when he’s at a literal crossroads – the girl in Boston or the movie-making dream in Hollywood? He chooses Hollywood, pulls into the intersection, and his promptly killed by a truck and the movie ends.

Unfortunately, the scene is fictional and not a documentary.

CTMQ Rating: 0 out of 5 thumbs up
Connecticutness: 169 out of 169 Nutmegs
Filmed in Connecticut? Yes
Wealthy Caucasian with a Big House? Not really

Connecticut Movies